Escape to Paradise: 1000m² Garden, 25m² Porch, Parking & BBQ in Spain!
Okay, buckle up buttercups! Because this isn't your standard hotel review. We're diving headfirst into "Escape to Paradise: 1000m² Garden, 25m² Porch, Parking & BBQ in Spain!" and frankly, I'm already picturing myself draped in a towel, clutching a sangria, and battling a rogue sunbeam. Let's get messy, shall we?
The Initial OMG Moment:
Okay, first things first. "Escape to Paradise"? Bold statement. Does it actually deliver? Well, the images suggest it does. And the promise of a 1000m² garden? My inner child just did a cartwheel. 25m² porch? That's a proper porch, folks, not some postage stamp-sized balcony. Parking & BBQ? SOLD. (More on that later… the BBQ is crucial.)
Getting There & Getting In (with a side of clumsy me):
- Accessibility: Ok, let's be real for a second. Accessibility matters. I'm not personally in need of it, but I always check. This is where I hit a small snag. I can't find explicit information regarding accessibility for guests, which is not great on its own. I would encourage the hotel to be more transparent with accessibility to accommodate a wider array of guests.
- Check-in/out [express]: I'm all for speed, and I love how there is a contactless check in. This saves some time.
- Airport transfer: Always a godsend, especially after a long flight. No fumbling with unfamiliar taxis.
- Doorman: Adds a touch of class, even if I'm probably going to trip over my own feet in the process.
- Car park [free of charge], Car park [on-site]: Essential! Especially when you just want to dump your stuff and collapse.
Rooms & Comfort: The Sanctuary (Hopefully Not a Sausage Fest):
Available in all rooms: This is the basics. Air conditioning, alarm clock, bathrobe (YES!), bathroom phone (who even uses those anymore?), bathtub, blackout curtains (thank the heavens!), closet, coffee/tea maker, complimentary tea, daily housekeeping (we love a clean room), desk, extra long bed, free bottled water, hair dryer, high floor (fingers crossed for a view!), in-room safe box (sanity saver!), interconnecting rooms (perfect for families if needed), internet access – LAN, internet access – wireless, ironing facilities (gotta look presentable!), laptop workspace, linens, mini bar, mirror, non-smoking (thank you!), on-demand movies, private bathroom, reading light, refrigerator, safety/security features, satellite/cable channels, scale (uh oh…), seating area, separate shower/bathtub (luxury!), shower, slippers (essential!), smoke detector, socket near the bed, sofa, soundproofing (bliss!), telephone, toiletries, towels, umbrella, visual alarm, wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free], window that opens. It's got nearly everything you could want.
Internet: Free Wi-Fi in all rooms! Hallelujah! Need to Instagram that perfect sunset, folks. And, for the old-school types, Internet [LAN] - they've got you covered. Internet services and Wi-Fi in public areas also sound good.
Room Sanitization: I appreciate that the rooms are sanitized between stays but would have liked to have more information regarding the cleaning products.
Cleanliness & Safety: The "Did They Miss a Spot?" Anxiety Test:
- Okay, this is SERIOUSLY important right now. We all want to feel safe.
- Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas, First aid kit, Hand sanitizer, Hygiene certification, Physically distanced accommodations, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Rooms sanitized between stays, Staff trained in safety protocol, Sterilizing equipment: These are all good signs. They’re showing a commitment to safety.
- Doctor/nurse on call: Essential assurance, especially for anyone with anxieties.
- Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items: Huge plus.
- Shared stationery removed: Smart.
- CCTV in common areas, CCTV outside property, Fire extinguisher, Front desk [24-hour], Safety/security feature, Security [24-hour], Smoke alarms: Reassuring.
- Cashless payment service: Inconvenient. I don't like relying on going cashless.
Food Glorious Food (and the inevitable food coma):
Restaurants, A la carte in restaurant, Alternative meal arrangement, Asian breakfast, Asian cuisine in restaurant, Bar, Bottle of water, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Happy hour, International cuisine in restaurant, Poolside bar, Room service [24-hour], Salad in restaurant, Snack bar, Soup in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant,: Okay, so the food options are vast. A buffet? Yes, please. Asian breakfast? Intriguing. Western cuisine? Always a safe bet. Room service 24 hours? Pure gluttony potential!
Breakfast in room Is a must.
Breakfast takeaway service, Individually-wrapped food options: Good choices.
Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items: HUGE.
Bottle of water: Hydration is key to avoiding a headache (especially after a few cocktails).
Desserts in restaurant: Duh.
The "Things To Do" Dilemma (or, Will I Ever Leave the Pool?):
- Things to do, ways to relax, Body scrub, Body wrap, Fitness center, Foot bath, Gym/fitness, Massage, Pool with view, Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom, Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor]: Okay, this is where it gets DEEP into relaxation territory. Pool with a view? I'm already mentally floating. Spa? Obviously. Sauna, steamroom, massage? Yes, yes, and YES. Body scrub and wrap? Now we’re talking!
- For the kids, Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, Kids facilities, Kids meal: This is important.
- Poolside bar, Happy hour::. Need I say more?
The BBQ Apocalypse & The Garden's Grandeur (A Deep Dive):
Okay, let's drill down on this "1000m² garden" and that elusive BBQ. This is where I go from general hotel reviewer to full-blown vacation obsessive. Imagine this:
The sun is starting to dip, painting the sky in those insane oranges and pinks. You've spent the day lounging by the pool, maybe braving the fitness center (I'd be lying if I said I was, I'd probably be in the steamroom), and now… the BBQ.
This is it. The moment of truth. Will the supplied equipment be up to par? Will I burn everything? (Probably.) Is there a decent selection of sausages (this is a serious question, by the way)?
The garden… the promise of space… is key. It is my own little slice of paradise. I envision myself eating a juicy burger, feet up, staring at the stars, completely disconnected from the world. The poolside bar will be doing the happy hour and I'll be sipping on a cocktail. If I'm lucky.
Services and Conveniences: The "Did They Think of Everything?" Checklist:
- Air conditioning in public area, Audio-visual equipment for special events, Business facilities, Cash withdrawal, Concierge, Contactless check-in/out, Convenience store, Currency exchange, Daily housekeeping, Doorman, Dry cleaning, Elevator, Essential condiments, Facilities for disabled guests, Food delivery, Gift/souvenir shop, Indoor venue for special events, Invoice provided, Ironing service, Laundry service, Luggage storage, Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Projector/LED display, Safety deposit boxes, Seminars, Shrine, Smoking area, Terrace, Wi-Fi for special events, Xerox/fax in business center: Basically, they did! It's a full-service operation.
- Babysitting service: Great for parents who need a break (and let's be honest, who doesn't?).
- Gift/souvenir shop: Because you have to bring something back.
- Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Meeting stationery, On-site event hosting, Outdoor venue for special events, Seminars: Ideal if you need to mix business with pleasure.
- Invoice provided: Good for all the business travellers needing to expense their trips.
The Quirks (and the potential for minor meltdowns):
- Pets allowed unavailable: This is a bummer for me. I love a good pet but fully understand why it's limited.
- Room decorations: I hope it's not too themed. I'm not a fan of the aggressively themed rooms.
- Smoking area: Essential for smokers, but hopefully well-ventilated.
- **Couple'
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because this isn't your grandma's travel itinerary. This is…well, this is me, navigating a 1,000m² garden, a 25m² porch, and the simmering heat of a Spanish barbecue. Let’s see if I survive the week.
SPAIN: OPERATION SUN, SANGRIÁ, AND SANITY (or the Lack Thereof)
Day 1: Arrival & Attempting to Adult (Fail)
- Morning: Touchdown in Spain! (Assuming the flight wasn't delayed. Knowing my luck, the pilot will have to turn back because he forgot his lucky socks.) The sun is KILLING IT already. First impressions of airport: chaotic, loud, and smelling suspiciously of churros. My inner grumpy old man is already starting to murmur.
- Afternoon: Taxi to the… gestures vaguely…rental place. Oh, the garden! That’s what I’m here for. 1,000 square meters! Sounds like a palace. I picture myself wandering, Wordsworth-style, amongst fragrant orange blossoms. Reality check: probably more like dodging rogue weeds and the occasional lizard.
- Evening: Unpack. Fail. The suitcase exploded. Socks everywhere. Find myself staring at the barbecue. It is a steel beast, mocking my lack of grilling expertise. Panic sets in. I've got the sangría ingredients, though. Gotta prioritize. Attempted some internet research on how to light a barbecue. Found a YouTube video. This might be the first and last meal.
- Anecdote: While attempting to assemble a picnic basket, I realized I'd forgotten the most crucial item: a corkscrew. I spent a solid 20 minutes wrestling with a bottle of Rioja, almost cutting my finger open, before admitting defeat. Switched to beer. Sigh. This is going to be that kind of trip.
Day 2: Garden Glory (Maybe?) and the Great Barbecue Debacle
- Morning: Armed with spray, gloves and mosquito repellent. I venture forth into the "palace." Turns out, 1,000 square meters can feel awfully vast when you're trying to navigate it without tripping over things. The "garden" is… thriving. In the weeds’ favour, that is. There are things here that are not plants. I'm talking about little critters.
- Quirky Observation: The local wildlife seems to have appointed me as their new landlord, judging by the way they stare at me from the bushes. I swear, one squirrel raised an eyebrow.
- Afternoon: Barbecue, Take 2. This time, I remembered the lighter fluid. Victory? Not quite. The coals are stubborn. Smoke billows. I'm now looking like a particularly inept Michelin man. Neighbours peek over the wall. I swear I hear snickers.
- Double Down: The chicken. Oh, the chicken. I'd bought two thighs. The first one I dropped on the floor of the porch. The second burned to a cinder. Ended up eating bread and a single, lonely cherry tomato.
- Evening: The sangria is flowing. The smoke has cleared. And I'm starting to feel a little less like a failure. The porch is lovely.
Day 3: Coastal Dreams & the "Learning to Relax" Challenge
- Morning: Drive to the coast. Sun, sand, and… tourists. Okay. So much for idyllic solitude. Still, the sea is gorgeous. I managed to walk (very slowly) along the beach.
- Emotional Reaction: The ocean, the open sea… it's beautiful. I’m doing it, I'm relaxing. Sort of. My brain can't stop thinking about the garden. Are the weeds winning? Is the barbecue still smoking?
- Afternoon: Lunch at a beachside chiringuito. Ordered seafood. It was delicious. Maybe I am getting the hang of this… until I spilled the alioli all over my shirt. My white tourist attire is now a kaleidoscope of sauces.
- Evening: Back at the rental. Actually spend some time on the porch. Reading, listening to music, generally pretending to be effortlessly cool. It's working, sort of. The stars are amazing.
Day 4: Garden Reconnaissance & Local Delights
- Morning: Back in the garden. I’ve bought a watering can. I'm starting to get the lay of the land, I think
- Rambling: The weeds. They're not pretty but they're… tenacious. Maybe I can learn something from them about resilience? Or, more likely, I’ll just learn how to use a weed whacker.
- Afternoon: Explore the local town. Discover a tiny bakery. Savor the bread. Buy way too much jamón. This is the good life.
- Evening: Attempt to make tapas at home. Succeed. The wine is good. The mood is… hopeful.
Day 5: The Great Pottery Hunt & Porch Party Planning
- Morning: Decided I needed to go shopping. Got a pottery class. Which I promptly failed. The instructor was very kind, but my vase resembles something you'd find in a pre-school art class.
- Opinionated Language: Seriously, how hard can it be to make a decent pot? Turns out, pretty hard. I’m clearly not cut out for pottery.
- Afternoon: Stocking up on supplies for a porch party tonight. Buying snacks, napkins, ice and lights.
- Evening: Porch party! It was good. The neighbours came. I was nervous but relaxed and played music and ate tapas. It was the best day of the whole trip.
Day 6: The Last Supper (Sort Of) & Farewell Feels
- Morning: Woke up. I actually enjoyed the garden now.
- Afternoon: Prepare a pathetic last lunch using whatever is left in the fridge. It’s somehow delicious. This trip is beginning to make sense.
- Evening: Final sunset on the porch. The air is warm. The sky is beautiful. Bittersweet feelings. I don’t want to leave.
Day 7: Departure & Post-Vacation Comedown
- Morning: Pack. Clean up. Say goodbye to the garden… and the barbecue (which I never quite mastered, but hey, progress!).
- Afternoon: Airport. Flight. Post-holiday blues kicking in.
- Evening: Back home. Laundry. Reality. But also, those memories. And the taste of sangria on my lips.
- Messy Structure: Next year, I want to buy a place. Somewhere near the coast. Somewhere… with a working barbecue. And maybe a gardener. Yeah, definitely a gardener.
- Final Thought: Spain, you beautiful, chaotic, slightly weed-infested mess. I will be back. Eventually. And next time, I'll bring a better corkscrew.
Escape to Paradise: You've Got Questions? I (Probably) Have Answers (Maybe)
(Based on that Spanish Oasis With the Ridiculously Large Garden, The Porch, The Parking, and the Glorious BBQ... yeah, *that* one.)
Seriously, is that garden as big as it sounds? 1000m²... that's like, a football field, right? (Mostly).
Alright, look, *technically*, a football field is bigger. But 1000m²? Honey, it's *massive*. I swear, I got lost in there the first day. You could probably hide a small family of gnomes (complete with miniature picnic baskets) and *no one* would find them. We were out there trying to find a good spot for the sun loungers, you know, the important stuff. And just *wandering*. Honestly, it's less a garden and more a small (but lovely) wilderness. Just don't expect manicured perfection. More like... "well-loved chaos." We found a rogue lemon tree that might have been there for 30 years and never pruned. It was glorious! And a pain in the arse when it dropped lemons all over the place.
Is the porch actually comfortable? Like, proper sit-down-and-sip-something comfortable?
The porch! Oh, the porch… 25m² of pure, unadulterated *bliss*. Well, mostly. You know, the photos look perfect, right? All breezy linen and strategically placed cushions. Reality involved a slightly wonky table, the ghosts of past tapas crumbs, and about a million flies that seemed to think the porch was their private buffet. We fought a losing battle with those flies for a while. I'm not even kidding - I invested in a fly swatter that was basically a small, aerodynamic weapon. But yeah, despite the occasional insect invasion, it's lovely. We spent most evenings there, drinking wine (much of which ended up on the floor, thanks to *ahem* excessive merriment) and watching the sunset. Pure gold, even the wonky table.
Parking. Is it actual, proper, stress-free parking? Because Spanish streets... well, they can be a nightmare.
YES! Thank the sweet baby Jesus, YES! Parking! It was a dedicated space, big enough for our ridiculously large rental car (I swear, they give you the biggest cars in Spain... probably a conspiracy). No circling the block for half an hour, no dodgy parallel parking attempts that leave you sweating and defeated. Just…park and walk. It was one of the highlights, honestly. After driving on those winding coastal roads, that parking was the sweetest taste of freedom going. It made the whole holiday instantly 10% less stressful. Worth the price of the holiday alone in some ways.
The BBQ. Tell me about the BBQ. Because I plan to live there.
Okay, the BBQ… Here's the thing. It's *there*. And, yes, you *can* BBQ. But… it wasn't the sparkling, modern marvel I’d envisioned. It was a slightly… rustic affair. Think: "BBQ that has seen some things." The grill was a bit wonky. We burned the first batch of chorizo to a blackened crisp (my fault, definitely my fault, I got distracted by a sunset). I'm telling you, the smoke alarm went off, setting off a wave of panic (which was intensified by the fact we had no idea how to turn it off – note to self: *learn to operate the smoke alarm*). And then…the food! Eventually, we managed to get the hang of things… The second night was amazing, steaks cooked to perfection. The third? Well…let’s just say we got a little ambitious with the spice rub and…let's make it quick, the local wildlife loved the discarded bits. But hey, you know? It’s the memories, right? And the taste of slightly charred meat under a Spanish sky? Priceless. Just bring extra charcoal.
Are there any shops nearby? I'm a foodie and I need my provisions.
Foodie, eh? Alright, you're in luck. Yes, there are shops. Not *convenient-store-on-every-corner* shops... but good shops. There's a small supermarket a reasonable drive away, and the local market...oh, the local market. That's where the magic happens. Fresh seafood, mountains of fresh produce, the most amazing cheeses I've ever tasted. Get ready to smell, taste, and regret *not* ordering more! The only downside? Trying to navigate the Spanish "efficiency" during peak hours. It was an experience, let's just say that. I'm pretty sure I once waited an hour for a single loaf of bread, but the bread was so good it was worth it. But learn some Spanish, or point and smile a lot. You'll get the hang of it.
Are there any downsides? Be honest!
Okay, the downsides… Let me be upfront. No place is perfect (unless it's a place that magically cleans after itself, which this wasn't). The WiFi was a bit…spotty. Think: "it works when it wants to." Which was usually when you *didn't* want to work. There were also mosquitos. Bring bug spray. Seriously, bring…an arsenal against those little bloodsuckers. And the language barrier was... a thing. My Spanish is dreadful. Thank goodness for Google Translate and the patience of the locals! But honestly?! Even those hiccups didn't spoil it. The positives far, FAR outweighed the negatives. Would I go back? Absolutely. Tomorrow? If I could.
Anything else I should know? Any random tips or warnings?
Okay, a few things. First, take insect repellent. Seriously, those mosquitos are relentless. Second, learn a few basic Spanish phrases. Even "hola" and "gracias" go a long way. Thirdly, relax. The Spanish pace of life is… slower. Embrace it! Don't rush. Take a siesta. Enjoy the moments. Don't try to be perfect - embrace the chaos, the imperfection, the slightly burnt chorizo. That is the secret of a good holiday, after all.
